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Hot and Ready

by Just Desserts

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1.
I'll tell you a story A little bit gory A little bit happy A little bit sad Of Lily the Pink and her medicinal compound And how it drove her mad CHORUS: We will drink, a drink, a drink To Lily the Pink, the Pink, the Pink The savior of (the savior of) the human race She invented medicinal compound Most efficacious in every case! Poor King John Felt terribly wrong He'd never wanted to be king Soaked his Crown Jewels in medicinal compound And now we say “Long Live the Queen!” Poor Sir Galad He didn't like salad When he ate vegetables, he was cross So he dressed them with medicinal compound And now he likes his salad tossed! CHORUS Kitty Caruthers She envied her brothers They could stand up when they'd go She spritzed her bits with medicinal compound, Now she can write her name in the snow! Master Mint Couldn't pitch a tent With his wife he could not lay Till she gave him medicinal compound Now they roll in the hay all day CHORUS Cherri Tart Had a very big "heart" Knew every man in town, truth to tell Mixed her lipstick with medicinal compound And know she knows their wives as well! Tira McSu Didn't know what to do She was awkward with men you know Then she gargled with medicinal compound And now she's gone from suck to blow CHORUS Teenage Cupcake Was really quite concave She was flatter than a bench Took a bath in medicinal compound Now she's an overflowing wench! Ginger Snap Had a regular chap Until his fibbing broke her heart She dosed him up with medicinal compound Now every time he lies, he sharts CHORUS Lily died and she went up to heaven How the church bells they did ring! She took with her medicinal compound Hark the herald angels sing!
2.
A Toast! 00:09
A toast! (A toast!) Here's to all the kisses I've snatched! And vice versa...
3.
Encore 02:01
Fiddler, dear fiddler, draw music from me With your stroke long and slow, Make a melody sweet Caress my long neck Tease me with your bow, oh, oh! Oh, please, sir, please fiddle with me (Oh, please, sir, please fiddle with me) Piper, dear piper, put me to your lips I would have your breath fill me In a lingering kiss With your fingering deft And your tongue on my...reed Oh, piper, won’t you blow me? (Oh, piper, won’t you blow me?) Drummer, dear drummer, your bodhran I’ll be Slap your hands on my skin, With your bone pound a beat Stroke a rhythm so hard, So wild and so free Oh, drummer, won’t you bang me? (Oh, drummer, won’t you bang me?) Minstrel, my minstrel, please make me your song On your lips I would linger I would dance on your tongue Sure, I’ll soar to the rafters When you hit the G! Oh, minstrel, oralize me! (Oh, minstrel, oralize me!) Lover, my lover, let’s do it again, My muse we’ve awakened And inspired by our sin Such beautiful music together make we... Once again, from the top, with feeling! Instrument swap? Why not? Encore!
4.
Jug of Punch 02:14
One pleasant evening in the month of June As I was sitting, weaving at my loom A small bird sat on an ivy bunch And the song he sang was the jug of punch Tooralooraloo tooralooralay Tooralooraloo tooralooralay A small bird sat on an ivy bunch And the song he sang was the jug of punch What more diversion can a man desire Than to sit him down by an alehouse fire Upon his knee, oh, a pretty wench And upon the table a jug of punch Tooralooraloo tooralooralay Tooralooraloo tooralooralay Upon his knee, oh, a pretty wench And upon the table a jug of punch And if I get drunk, well the money’s me own And them don't like me can leave me alone I'll tune me fiddle and I'll rosin me bow And I'll be welcome wherever I go Tooralooraloo tooralooralay Tooralooraloo tooralooralay I'll tune me fiddle and I'll rosin me bow And I'll be welcome wherever I go And when I'm dead, oh, and in my grave No costly tombstone will I crave Just lay me down in my native peat With a jug of punch at my head and feet Tooralooraloo tooralooralay Tooralooraloo tooralooralay Just lay me down in my native peat With a jug of punch at my head and feet Tooralooraloo tooralooralay Tooralooraloo tooralooralay Just lay me down in my native peat With a jug of punch at my head and feet!
5.
Twiddles 03:21
When the ships all go a-sailing and the men are off and gone What about the women who are up and left alone? They think we sit and twiddle thumbs until our men come home But there’s other things to twiddle when a girl’s left on her own CHORUS: Twiddly-idle-idle-oh, twiddly-idle-ay There’s lots of times a man will leave you broken with dismay Twiddly-idle-idle-oh, twiddly-idle-ay There’s other things to twiddle when your man has gone away I remember Nelly, she was young and she was gay She won the heart of Captain Dan but then he sailed away He left her high and dry with just a kiss upon her chin But as his ship went sailing out, another ship sailed in CHORUS Then there was Lucinda Brown, as fair as any maid Her true love went to voyaging, a sailor man by trade “Keep the fire burning, love,” those were the words he spoke So she found herself another man to keep the fire stoked CHORUS Now when Lucinda’s man came back and knocked upon her door She was as glad to see him as she’d ever been before He left her lying on the bed but Lucy didn’t care Course the poor guy in the closet sure could use a little air CHORUS You hear a lot of stories about the sailors and their sport About how every lad has got a girl in every port But if you added two and two you’d figure out right quick That’s just because the lassies have a lad on every ship CHORUS Twiddly-idle-idle-oh, twiddly-idle-ay There’s lots of times a man will leave you broken with dismay Twiddly-idle-idle-oh, twiddly-idle-ay There’s other things to twiddle when your man has gone away Twiddly-idle-idle-oh, twiddly-idle-ay There’s lots of times a man will leave you broken with dismay Twiddly-idle-idle-oh, twiddly-idle-ay There’s other willies willing to twiddle when your Willy’s gone away
6.
There once was a squire who met a young miss He held her so close and then gave her a - Bouquet of roses so lovely and red That she took him by hand and then took him to - Breakfast, where they both had coffee and eggs, And when they were all done, she opened her - Bag, but he said that she shouldn’t be crass. He’d pay for their breakfast, he wanted her - Sweet violets! Sweeter than the roses, Covered all over from head to toe with sweet violets The squire then said as they stood on the dock That he'd be most pleased if she sat on his - Cloak that he put on a wet, sticky patch To protect all her assets and keep dry her - Skirt which she gathered around her to sit As the squire reached over and stroked her left - Ear where he whispered she’d been worth the hunt And he just couldn’t wait till she showed him her - Sweet violets! Sweeter than the roses, Covered all over from head to toe with sweet violets Her father knew straight off his girl had been struck By Cupid’s sharp arrow. He cried aloud - “Squire, this Sunday my girl you must wed, Then you can relieve her of her maiden - Name, and you’ll give her a diamond, no jest, Before you lay eyes or your hands on her - Dowry. Don’t argue, to this point I'll stick!” Said the lass, “Oh, no, father; I just want his -” Sweet violets! Sweeter than the roses, Covered all over from head to toe with sweet violets. Sweet violets!
7.
A toast! (A toast!) Here's to champagne for my real friends... And real pain for my sham friends! (Huzzah!)
8.
When I was a wee lass Me father said to me, “Me darlin’ girl, this pub be yours When all grown up you be.” He taught me about business And how to guard me bum, And told me not to trust the men Demanding shots of rum CHORUS: Where’s the rum? Where’s the rum? Dear lord, please tell me, where’s the rum? Well I thought me heart was breakin’, But it’s just me head that’s achin’, So someone tell me, where’s the rum? Oh, please just pour some bloody rum He warned me of the salty men Who sail upon the sea. They’d come with tales of derring-do, Just trying to woo me. They’d flirt and try to kiss me And tell me I’m the one, When all the while their deepest wish: To drink up all me rum. CHORUS The devil rum can turn your head While dancin’ on your tongue Its promises of happiness Are lies from songs long sung For if it could deliver A life of endless fun, Then why are all the sailin’ lads In need of yet more rum? CHORUS Of all the things me father said To help me grow up strong, His wisdom on this subject here Has never been proved wrong For a man home from the islands Who’s felt the southern sun Will never cease to crave the taste Of good Jamaican rum CHORUS Bottoms up!
9.
A young man and a maid, put in all, put in all Together lately played, put in all; The young man was in jest, The maid she did protest: She bid him do his best, put in all, put in all. With that her rolling eyes, put in all, put in all, Turned upward to the skies, put in all; My skin is white you see, My smock above my knee, What would you more of me, put in all, put in all. The young maid’s neck and breast, put in all, put in all, Lie open to his chest, put in all, The young man was in heat, The maid was still in need, A little farther get, put in all, put in all. When he had ended sport, was that all; was that all? She found him all too short, was that all? For when he'd done his best, The maid she did protest, ‘Twas not a funny jest, that was all, that was all. Twas not a funny jest, that was ALL, THAT WAS ALL.
10.
A bather whose clothing was strewed By strong winds that left her quite nude Saw a man come along, And unless I am wrong You expected this line to be lewd. CHORUS: Thaaaaat waaaaaas a very nice verse Sing us another one, just like the other one Boom pecker pecker, boom pecker pecker Boom pecker pecker boom A pretty young wenchlette named Shellie Had horrible pains in her belly. She said, "I'm sure in Kentucky, Not all the food's yucky, But they sure make a terrible jelly." CHORUS There once was a very large dragon, Whose urge to chase virgins was flaggin' He said with a sigh, I'm too fat to fly... Please pull me around in this wagon! CHORUS A butcher who lived up the street Had a ladyfriend who liked to eat He said “come and kneel, And I’ll feed you a meal” She gobbled 9 inches of meat. CHORUS There once was a man from the sticks Who wanted to write limericks But he gave up the sport, For he wrote them too short… CHORUS: Thaaaaat waaaaaas a TERRIBLE verse Don’t sing us another one, not like that other one Boom pecker pecker... A prudish beekeeper named Lauren Declared loudly, “Sex is abhorrent!” Still some offered her money To sample her “honey,” ‘Cause I don’t think they knew what “abhor” meant. CHORUS A man heading home from the bars Saw something descend from the stars What he thought was celestial Was extra-terrestrial And now he goes drinking on Mars CHORUS There once was a lassie from Norway Who hung by her feet from the doorway; It worked out quite well, For when you rang her bell, It actually counted as foreplay! CHORUS A wench is a sensual treasure When working or taking her leisure. We know when to squeeze To weaken your knees And take you to new heights of pleasure. CHORUS: Thaaaaat waaaaaas our very last verse We won’t sing another one, not like that other one Boom pecker pecker, boom pecker pecker Boom pecker pecker BOOM
11.
A toast! (A toast!) Here's to the men who love me terribly... May they soon improve! (Huzzah!)
12.
A lusty young smith at his vise stood a filing His hammer lay by, but his forge still aglow When to him a buxom young dame came a smiling And asked if to work at her forge he would go CHORUS: With a jingle bang, jingle bang, jingle bang jingle With a jingle bang, jingle bang in and out go “I will,” said the smith, and they went off together Along to the young woman’s forge they did go They stripped to go to it, ‘twas hot work and weather She kindled a fire, and soon made him glow CHORUS Her husband, she said, no good work could afford her His strength and his tools had worn out long ago The smith said, “Well, mine are in very good order. And now I am ready my skills for to show.” CHORUS Red hot grew his iron, as both did desire, And he was too wise not to strike while 'twas so. Said she, “What I get, I get out of the fire, So prithee, strike hard and redouble the blow.” CHORUS Six times did his iron by vigorous heating, Grow soft in the young woman’s forge down below, As often was hardened, still beating and beating, But each time it softened, it hardened more slow. CHORUS The smith rose to go; said the dame, full of sorrow, “Oh, what would I give could my husband do so! Good smith, with your hammer come hither tomorrow, But, pray, can't you use it once more ere you go?” CHORUS x2
13.
Dicey Reilly 03:15
CHORUS: Poor old Dicey Reilly, she has taken to the sup Poor old Dicey Reilly, she will never give it up Well it's off each morning to the pop And then she’s in for another little drop For the heart of the rowl is Dicey Reilly Long years ago when men were men and fancied May Oblong Or lovely Becky Cooper, or Maggie's Mary Wong One woman put them all to shame, Just one was worthy of the name And the name of that dame was Dicey Reilly CHORUS She walks along Fitzgibbon Street with an independent air And then it's down by Summerhill, and as the people stare She'll say, "It's nearly half past one It's time I went for another bit of fun” For the heart of the rowl is Dicey Reilly CHORUS She'll travel far to a dockside bar to have another round And after one or two or three she doesn't feel so sound After four she’s a bit unstable, After five under the table For the heart of the rowl is Dicey Reilly CHORUS Oh we carry her home at twelve o'clock as we do every night Bring her inside and tuck her in, and then turn out the light Next morning she'll get out of bed Looking for a cure for her head For the heart of the rowl is Dicey Reilly CHORUS x2 Oh, the heart of rowl is Dicey Reilly Yes, the heart of the rowl is Dicey Reilly
14.
I want a man who knows my hills and dales, Who’ll keep my garden wet, Who’ll chase the wolves and never fail To give me puss a pet. Have you ever met a man like that, A man who’s made like that? (Who’ll plow your fields both day and night?) Have you ever met a man like that? I want a man who can take the heat Who will stoke my forge and fire, Who pounds my metal hot and sweet, And shapes my heart’s desire. (Her heart) Have you ever met a man like that, A man who’s made like that? (A man who knows just when to strike?) Have you ever met a man like that? I want a man to tower over me, Who's masterfully built. A solid man who’ll stand the test of time, With calves to rock a kilt. Have you ever met a man like that, A man who’s made like that? (With shoulders you can put your feet upon?) Have you ever met a man like that? I want a man who sets my soul on fire, A man with heaven’s key, Who brings new meaning to “oh, god!” When I'm down on my knees! Have you ever met a man like that, A man who’s made like that? (With an angel’s smile and a devil’s touch?) Have you ever met a man like that? You can spend your life in drudgery Feeling lonely, sad or fat But you’ll never see who’s right in front of you! No, you’ll never meet a man like that. So lift your head and fluff your girls, Sing and dance and laugh. Give the game of life a loving whirl. Don’t you know a man likes that? Don’t you know we all like that?
15.
A toast! (A toast! Here's to the stork that brings beautiful babies! And the swallow, that brings no babies at all! (That's not how that goes!)
16.
Gentleman Jim came to see me last night; He wanted to raid me booty He claimed me treasures were renowned; He was captured by me beauty But his sack was too light, His dirk was too short, And he had only pieces of three So I sent him away with me boot on his bum That pirate’s not for me CHORUS Yo, ho! Yo, who? Keep a civil tongue in yer head Or ye’ll never see me treasures again Nor ever warm me bed Deedly-deedly-dee Salty Sam came to see me last night; He wanted to plunder me chest He praised the treasures loud and long Secured inside me dress But he fumbled the lock, His key didn’t fit, And then he called me Bess? (that doesn't even rhyme with Cupcake!) So I sent him away with a lump on his head That pirate failed the test CHORUS Deedly-deedly-dee Randy Dan came to see me last night; He wanted to board me ship He’d never sailed on a sloop so sleek, Nor had an around-the-world trip But he went overboard, His hook scratched me deck, Cupcake: and me sheets he damn near ripped All: So I sent him away with a smack and a curse (Damn!) That pirate should be whipped! CHORUS Deedly-deedly-dee-eee Captain Jack came to see me last night; He brought me chocolates and wine! He dressed me in the finest silk, Undressed me in good time (SUCH A GOOD TIME!) Laid his anchor so deep, ‘Til with joy I did weep, And left me feeling fine So me booty I shared, again and again And traded his treasures for mine And it’s Oh-Oh-OH-OOH! With me feet up over his head, He can tally me treasures again and again, and ever warm me bed. Me bed? And ever warm me bed.
17.
Today is your day, you're the man of the hour! Your swagger is strong, you exude manly power! What's a wench to do, but to wish these things for you: May your cock only crow when the timing is right May your ass not get tired from morning till night May your ale at the pub come with plenty of head And the pusses you pet leave no fleas in your bed In short may this year bring you naught but good luck And a wench by your bed When it's time to get - TUCKED IN!
18.
Oh say, gentle maiden, let me be your lover Condemn me no longer to moan and to weep Struck down like a hawk, I lie wounded and bleeding Oh let down your drawbridge, I'll enter your keep Enter your keep, nonny nonny, Enter your keep, nonny nonny, Let down your drawbridge, I'll enter your keep Alas, gentle errant, I am not a maiden I'm wed to Sir Oswald, that cunning old Celt He's gone to the wars now for twelve months or longer And he's taken the key to my chastity belt Chastity belt, nonny nonny, Chastity belt nonny nonny, Taken the key to my chastity belt Fear not, gentle lady, for I know a locksmith To his shop we’ll go, on his door we will knock And try to avail us of his special knowledge And see if he's able to open your lock Open your lock, nonny nonny, Open your lock, nonny nonny, See if he's able to open your lock Alas, sir and madam, to help I'm unable My technical knowledge is to no avail I can't find the secret to your combination Your cunning old master has fitted a Yale Fitted a Yale, nonny nonny, Fitted a Yale, nonny nonny, Your cunning old master has fitted a Yale I come from the wars with dire news of disaster A terrible mishap I have to confide As my ship was passing the Straits of Gibraltar I stumbled and dropped the key over the side Over the side, nonny nonny, Over the side, nonny nonny, I stumbled and dropped the key over the side Alas and alack, I am locked up forever! Wait, I’m the pageboy, just leave it to me! If you will allow me to enter your chamber I'll open it up with my duplicate key *produce key* Duplicate key, nonny nonny, Duplicate key, nonny nonny, Open it up with my duplicate key! *fight over key* Now dear gentle listeners, this song has a moral And all who can hear this take warning by me Don't lock up your partner unless you've a safeword And always make sure there's a duplicate key Duplicate key, nonny nonny, Duplicate key, nonny nonny, Always make sure there’s a duplicate key

about

The second album from Just Desserts, featuring both original and traditional songs! Enjoy and feel free to sing along!

credits

released January 18, 2018

All vocal arrangements by Just Desserts
Tracks 3, 8, 14, 16, 17 written by Cupcake (aka Toni Finley)
Track 1 traditional, with additional lyrics by Just Desserts
Track 4 as recorded by The Clancys, adapted by Just Desserts
Track 5 written by Janie Meneely
Track 6 traditional, with additional lyrics by Cupcake
Tracks 9 and 12 attributed to Thomas D'Urfey, as recorded by Ed McCurdy, adapted by Just Desserts
Track 10 chorus by Wench Work, additional limericks by Just Desserts
Track 13 written by Dominic Behan, with some verses attributed to Tom Munnelly
Track 18 traditional, adapted by Just Desserts, with additional verse by Crissy Hensley
Track 18 instrumentation written, arranged, and performed by Jerry Barry
Toasts are traditional, with adaptations and giggles by Just Desserts

Cupcake logo by Hunter Finley. Insert photo and edit by Allen Finley.
Cover design by Crissy Hensley.
Produced by Jerry Barry at Tin Shack Studios, High Springs, FL

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Just Desserts Gainesville, Florida

Just Desserts is a singing wench troupe based in North Central Florida. Formed in late 2011, we perform our fun, bawdy act every year at the Hoggetowne Medieval Faire. Visit our website at justdessertswenches.com or follow us on Facebook.com/justdessertswenches ... more

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